My last day (part one) I met with Dharmakeerti - the keeper of the dharma/teachings and I felt lucky to have the chance. She listened explained, granted permission, advised and most importantly encouraged me to trust and listen to, myself. The funny thing is, she just flew into town yesterday and I happen to be able to meet with her. It just worked out that it was the last day of this process.
I am including in my entry today a piece I wrote to myself as an exercise during a preparatory writing workshop for Africa. I am publishing it now because it is a fitting ending for part one of this process and the beginning of step 2. It is difficult to publish this piece because I fear it will be taken the wrong way.
This is a goodbye letter and I guess the first interesting part for me is that it is with great difficulty that I write a good bye letter. I have always since the death of both S and C been afraid to write such a letter fearing my physical death. It is a wonder to me in some ways that I would hold this fear because I truly feel I have died hundreds of times in this lifetime already.
Having said that, this prep time before Malawi has been about me cleansing purging the old decayed internal parts and I have found this does not just mean the waste from my body.
So I will say goodbye and die again.
Goodbye O, you were the first love of my life and I loved you in only the way a young girl can. I was 20 and thought you hung the moon. Goodbye to that young woman who stood on the alter, in sacred ritual. I mourn the death of that young woman with love in her eyes and hopes and dreams in her heart.
Goodbye to the tough drinking and smoking Karen who built walls and blocked pain trying to be what she thought she should be as oppose to being who she is. I love her. She was fun and funny, profane but no less loving- I admired her toughness but she never really had the thick skin for it. I feel the pain she felt at not liking her own actions.
I say goodbye to family obligations. Don’t get me wrong to all of those of you in my family. I am saying goodbye and cut the chains of straddling two worlds never truly letting go. That is my fault I blame no one. I just never could figure what I was supposed to do and what I realize now is that what I want to do gets walled up in what I am suppose to do. So the picture in my head is of myself clinging desperately to your outstretched hands when you have never gripped on to me but the other way around.
Good bye J
I love you – I say good bye to the part of me that clings to you. I finally picked a good and decent man and I don’t know how to be in relationship. Not sure what to ask for or how to get it and that leaves us incomplete.
Good bye to pain and guilt, and good bye to running not unlike Forest Gump I have run so long with my head down I have no idea where I am. Where am I? Good bye to that question.
Good bye to Homeline.
I’m looking for better pay and more fulfillment. Take the needle out of your own eye because with the one in mine I can’t see yours.
Good bye Bay area
You are beautiful but like a sexy man who cheats you are not worth the price I have to pay.
My eyes are forward and I have dropped off my back pack it was just too heavy - I see an opening and I am preceding forward .
So it is on to step two making the dream/my plan come true. It is off to Thailand and India.
What's your Dream?
Progress:
Made an appt. for an advisor
Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K
3 comments:
Fantastic Karen!
Love and Blessings,
Meg
That was beautiful. It brought me to tears. How is it we can hold on to such painful feelings, knowing that they are preventing us from being true to ourselves? With every goodbye, there comes a new hello. A new beginning, a new start, new people. Today is a day for change. I only hope that some day I to may be able to say goodbye to all the pain, shame, and fear within.
Some may feel they are losing a part of you with this goodbye. The familiar Karen everyone knows and loves. I, however, feel different. I feel as if I will say hello to the Karen I have always known. The strong, independent, beautiful, and smart Karen that has always been there. And although it may seem you have been looking for her for a very long time. I knew she was always there, waiting until you would let her out. It is your time to be selfish, it is your time to go for your dreams. For too long people and emotions have been keeping you from those dreams.
When I first started reading this blog, I really questioned my intentions. Was I reading it as entertainment? obligation? boredom? No, I was reading it - knowing I would learn from it. Learn from you. You have been in sales all your life, selling "stuff". But what I don't think you have ever realized is that you've really just been giving. Giving people confidence, self-esteem, advice, and love. You are someone who cares, someone who will listen, someone who has so much to give to the world it's a shame it's taken this long for you to realize it.
Do not be afraid to go for what you beleive in. Those who truly love you, will always be ready and waiting for you. They will always support you and they have always wanted you to do what your heart tells you to do. I am glad you are finally able to take your head out of the picture completely and follow your heart. Your happiness is more important than what you make, and especially where you live.
I have learned that it is okay to just listen to your heart. It is okay to be who you are. I, unfortunately, am still trying to figure that out. But in reading this blog I have also learned that eventually I will. It may not be tomorrow or this year. But some day I will know who I am. I want you to know you have inspired me to go on my own journey of self-discovery. And although it cannot be as intense and complete as yours, my journey begins by forgiving myself. I hope that someday soon, I will be able to do that.
I know that silent gratitude does not mean much, I am not able to thank you fully just yet. That will come after self-forgiveness. But for now, I do thank you. From the bottom of my heart - I thank you!
Go out and show the world who you really are...and don't be afraid. You have a million people right here waiting for you to change the world - because we know you can!
Angels Lost W/in - says so much - a tribute to you - to your journey - your search - your intention - and above all else yourself. Karen, your life has inspired many - myself included - and I thank you for that gift.
Your many journeys to countries - places - people - and the jourenys inside of yourself - your questions - and always seeking - inspires others to do the same - tells us its okay to be always questioning - and always arriving so that we might always be leaving.
I think the Karen we have all known and loved is who you have always been - just sometimes you forgot - but then you would take a journey to remember - and in the end you are going/coming home to your true idenity - and that is the greatest gift you can give yourself and everyone else.
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