Part II Day 7

There is much I could say this evening. Lessons coming from a class I am taking, friends with major transition opportunities, plans and fears around extended travels, and grief over letting go of stuff that I have been holding. I find that during my own indecision and uncertainty I found a quote that provides hope in the fact that all will turn out when we are true to ourselves. It is difficult to be honest with yourself especially when it comes to living life on your own terms, but never is honesty more important or difficult then when you point your attention inward, (but oh the rewards)
"I learned this, at least, by experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours...
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundation under them."
-Henry David Thoreau


Please say a prayer or hold a thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Namaste
K

Pat II Day 6

Time heals all wounds but sometimes we don't want the wounds to heal for we fear if we get over the pain we will forget. I wrote that roughly 29 years ago. Today is my sister's birthday. She would have been 48 today, instead she died at the tender age of 19. I can see her in my minds eye as she stays frozen in her youth. She came to me in my dreams so often after her death, still it took me years to understand what she was telling me. I have rarely had her visit since I understood her message. Her death and visits have been a tremendous force behind why I search for meaning and how I lean toward deep relationships. I have witnessed great pain at an early age and it is an intense teacher.
Chris kept a journal of favorite writings, another influence for me, but the writings are eerie in the messages she left behind. She loved life, she loved us, she was a beautiful person both inside and out. She had a bad temper and a quickness about her. It is such a shame just as she was beginning her own life it ended. One of her journal entries was "better to have lived well then long."
I am grateful to have had her as a sister, for even though I only had her for 15 years she still impacts my life today. Happy Birthday Chris. We love and miss you.

Tell someone today how much they mean to you. LIVE WELL! LOVE OFTEN! EMBRACE LIFE!

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K

Part II Day 5

I got my letter back today from the Missouri Board Of Counselors. I sent my transcripts in to see if I could be licensed in MO. They sent me back a letter that said I didn't get my MA in the correct major so they didn't review my transcripts. For those of you who know me, you know I don't take rejections well. I just started a class called "Success Built to Last" in the first class of the course, the question was raised "what is success?" Of course just as I am asking myself this question and understanding that it is up to me to decide if I am successful, along comes a letter telling me that has far as educating myself to enter a new field is concerned the Board of Counselors in MO told me I was a failure. I went to school to gain credibility to legitimize my beliefs and process so people would know I could help them sort through their inner and outer world. It appears if I chose to follow the "normal" ways of counseling at this point I have failed. I was hurt by the rejection letter, mostly because it felt dismissive (which is another button for me). As my day progressed I got angry(I'm good at angry). I put two and a half years into an education that is not much good (my thoughts). I got mad at JFK (my school) and at myself for not looking far enough ahead to see what the requirements were. As I calmed down from my over active insecurities I remembered that I went to school their, because it was not the "normal" education and I was looking for a different programed where I could learn more about reclaiming my soul.
I forgot that my concerns were we concentrated on the mind, or just the emotions and that all of these emotions, thoughts, life occurrences are just the way our soul, this to often unconscious essences, is using to try to be heard. I will call and clarify what else I need to learn, as I choose to make sure whoever I am working with is safe and in the capable hands of a professional who can protect their legal rights and offer the best resources to best assist them. However, I do know that I have helped people reach a better understanding of themselves because I listened to their soul and hopefully gave them tools to listen as well. I don't know if I think I am a success for there is more I wish to do, but I do know I am not a failure, as usual I am listening with my heart and doing it my way and trust me when I say that is not easy.

What is Success to you? Are you successful? What are you Passionate about? Where does that passion spring from?

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K

Part II Day 3

I sat at my little restaurant the other day (funny how no matter where you are a lesson can find you). A young African American man sat down at the corner of the counter a few seats away. He was dressed very nice and of course I had to speak with him. I said, "I might be showing my age, but you look to young to be a businessmen, he said he had to go to traffic court. We started talking more; he mentioned he was going to night school. He is a minister that works as a bank teller while attending classes. I am always a bit envious when someone so young is so sure of their path. He told me he started preaching at 8, that God called him. I was speechless so many thoughts ran through my mind. Mostly it was his charming yet shy conviction when he said it-he provoked such a quiet strength. I watched as he shuck hands and spoke to others in the diner that he knew. I was proud of him; you could see his spirit emanate from him. I asked how he came to be a minister; did his Pastor recognize him and initiate him? He said yes, but that he knew and acted from that knowledge it was almost that he declared himself but it was almost an afterthought because he knew who and what he was.
My lessons from this sweet natured young man outside of role modeling is, being open to your calling, acting from your heart with this understanding, and then following the path laid out from your beliefs. He said, "It can't be wrong if it comes from your heart."
My teacher tells me I will be a teacher when I claim it. I was grateful to meet an example of such a young person claiming it, especially around a spiritual calling.

What calls you that you have left unclaimed? Can you see any role models around you? Embrace what is in your heart

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K

Part II Day 1

And so we begin again. This is Day 1 of Part two. What does that mean, you ask? Not sure yet. I'm moving forward and so will work thru putting a plan together. I will be calling the lady in charge of the trip to India and making flight reservations for Thailand. I am also starting a class called "Success Built to Last" ( sounds so gimmicky- No Laughing! - You gotta try everything once) More to come.
I took a long weekend with friends - good friends - the kind that last a lifetime. The long weekend I took was to my family farm. The farm (no longer a working farm) has been in the family since the 1870's. While there we did a burial ritual (a suggestion from my Teacher- thanks P) . Rituals for me are used to express an intention a way to say to your higher power and to yourself this is my desire, a way of both opening and closing a door for progress in that direction. I believe we are in a time of transition, in our country, in the world and most significantly to ourselves. My way of dealing with transition and marking important stages is ritual. In this one we buried items that represent something we want to let go of. We then buried something we wanted to see grow. It is always interesting for me to see if the ritual marks the beginning or end of a process. Sharing this , was moving.
Today in this moment I feel so lucky. I had a great and blessed trip to St. Louis and really feel like I am moving forward in a positive direction. There was a brief piece on the news tonight that said psychologist were suggesting young people should be encouraged towards more self discovery. I believe that with all the turmoil in the world we are all being asked to explore what is true happiness and self-fulfillment. That is certainly what I am looking to understand within myself but also seek to understand in others.

What would you bury to represent something to grieve and are willing and ready to let go of? What seeds of intentions would you plant to see grow?

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 30

My last day (part one) I met with Dharmakeerti - the keeper of the dharma/teachings and I felt lucky to have the chance. She listened explained, granted permission, advised and most importantly encouraged me to trust and listen to, myself. The funny thing is, she just flew into town yesterday and I happen to be able to meet with her. It just worked out that it was the last day of this process.
I am including in my entry today a piece I wrote to myself as an exercise during a preparatory writing workshop for Africa. I am publishing it now because it is a fitting ending for part one of this process and the beginning of step 2. It is difficult to publish this piece because I fear it will be taken the wrong way.
This is a goodbye letter and I guess the first interesting part for me is that it is with great difficulty that I write a good bye letter. I have always since the death of both S and C been afraid to write such a letter fearing my physical death. It is a wonder to me in some ways that I would hold this fear because I truly feel I have died hundreds of times in this lifetime already.
Having said that, this prep time before Malawi has been about me cleansing purging the old decayed internal parts and I have found this does not just mean the waste from my body.
So I will say goodbye and die again.
Goodbye O, you were the first love of my life and I loved you in only the way a young girl can. I was 20 and thought you hung the moon. Goodbye to that young woman who stood on the alter, in sacred ritual. I mourn the death of that young woman with love in her eyes and hopes and dreams in her heart.
Goodbye to the tough drinking and smoking Karen who built walls and blocked pain trying to be what she thought she should be as oppose to being who she is. I love her. She was fun and funny, profane but no less loving- I admired her toughness but she never really had the thick skin for it. I feel the pain she felt at not liking her own actions.
I say goodbye to family obligations. Don’t get me wrong to all of those of you in my family. I am saying goodbye and cut the chains of straddling two worlds never truly letting go. That is my fault I blame no one. I just never could figure what I was supposed to do and what I realize now is that what I want to do gets walled up in what I am suppose to do. So the picture in my head is of myself clinging desperately to your outstretched hands when you have never gripped on to me but the other way around.
Good bye J
I love you – I say good bye to the part of me that clings to you. I finally picked a good and decent man and I don’t know how to be in relationship. Not sure what to ask for or how to get it and that leaves us incomplete.
Good bye to pain and guilt, and good bye to running not unlike Forest Gump I have run so long with my head down I have no idea where I am. Where am I? Good bye to that question.
Good bye to Homeline.
I’m looking for better pay and more fulfillment. Take the needle out of your own eye because with the one in mine I can’t see yours.
Good bye Bay area
You are beautiful but like a sexy man who cheats you are not worth the price I have to pay.
My eyes are forward and I have dropped off my back pack it was just too heavy - I see an opening and I am preceding forward .
So it is on to step two making the dream/my plan come true. It is off to Thailand and India.

What's your Dream?

Progress:
Made an appt. for an advisor

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 29

I spoke with my 13 year old nephew tonight about his writing. He read me a couple of the pieces he had written. I have to tell you they were very powerful writings for a young person. As we spoke of his writing I was struck by how important it was for me to make sure he understood his gift and to help support and nurture it. He seemed to appreciate the input. I realized in wanting him to understand his gift I was also talking to the child in me; that my strong feelings towards him and his potential were also about me wanting to do this for myself. (Not even a parent and I figured that out)
I remembered after he had gone to bed how much I wrote when I was younger, and how important my writing was as an outlet. I'm still writing today.
I will be seeing a Holy woman tomorrow, I seek her counsel in order to help clear blocks from my path. Interesting I meet with her on day 30.

Do you remember what sparked your interest when you were a young child? Does it still hold your interest today?

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 28

I went out to dinner tonight with a couple of friends. Our discussion was fun and deep. One of my take aways was the discussion on "what are you passionate about?" I sat and listened to both of these people who live there passion. They both work doing what they feel they were born to do. I am inspired by them and felt good talking to them about future possibilities.
I also had the chance to talk about what I love to do and was encouraged. I feel after the last couple of days I am on more solid ground and tonight just topped it off. That's it, I feel good about the work I have been doing and feel the progress.

Who inspires you? Look around they could be sitting next to you.

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all. Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 27

I spoke to my mom today about my not so firm future plans. It was good to speak with her to get a better understanding of how her way of being has affected me. My mom is enormously supportive of me and has always given me a strong sense of self. She has always listened to all of her children as if we were the most important people, with the most significant things to say, (its all in the way she listens). I picked up on something today as we spoke, in listening to her story I heard her concerns with money, her story has many worries but mostly one of lack and repression from lack of funds. She talked about other people being better and not getting to do the things she wants to at certain times. I say this not as a slight to my mom but because we are all affected by our parents story; the story of their lives and the narratives they tell. While in dialogue, I told my mom I feel a tightness in my chest when I hear you and I don't know what to do with your story. She said that's because I like to fix things and I can't fix this. The truth is I feel stuck when I hear my mom repeat her limiting beliefs, I have heard them many times. We talked about changing old patterns/beliefs by noticeing some of the thoughts that come up and changing them. She and I laughed about her telling herself she is a lottery winner or a big score winner on the boat.
Seriously, I know her story affects me, I hold some of the same worries I have heard for so long. My hope is that I have a better understanding of where some of these fears come from and to know they aren't mine. (Learned can be unlearned) I am not stuck, I have the ability to live a different way. I am working with the full lesson of our relationship and the stories we hold for each other.

What lesson do your parents hold for you? Look at the life story they tell. What patterns are they? Do you hold on to their beliefs? How does that work for you?

Progress not perfection:

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all. Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 25

I spoke with a friend yesterday, who happens to be a very good therapist. I spoke with her regarding the process I have been working. Words like permission, limiting, all or nothing came up. She helped me see that I am holding on to old limiting beliefs. She told me to keep following my urges and that many people don’t take the opportunities I am taking and this was a good thing. I felt really good after our conversation, more free then I had felt in a while. I noticed that during the day today I started to lose some of those good feelings, a direct result of my own negative thinking. I resolved myself to watching my thought patterns and counter act them with positive affirmations. I am also watching my language so as not to work with extremes.
I have seen a pattern with my own insecurities in which I will make a task appear overly difficult. I believe I do this so in case I succeed it is an almost heroic feat and if I fail, well, no one could have accomplished so much. (That’s what I like to call insecurities)

Limiting beliefs. What sayings come up time and time again for you in stressful situations?

Progress:
Talked to my teacher for support and advice
Spoke to a counselor for advice.

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all. Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 24

So I'm on day 24. I didn't realize I would be ending my 30 days in St. Louis. (hmmm?) With 6 days left one thing is certain; no one can flip flop on an issue like I can. I was driving home from my brother's house tonight thinking, do I really want to be on the road by myself? Is this idea of the freedom to search and find people to know more really my passion? Am I read to leave the bay area and J for a considerable amount of time. All of these thoughts run through my mind as I sit down to write and for some reason I think of the Nightly News and the story about that we are blowing a hole in the moon. I have not heard the whole story, but I understand we are looking for something and so decided to drop a bomb to see what we find. (Does anyone else wonder, "what are they thinking"). Do they know enough information about what the consequences may be? What information do we need? I am reminded of a children playing with fireworks with no thought of the consequences or to a 44 year old woman who in an effort to see what else is out there blows up her life. Unfortunately, my urge and internal impulse is to keep moving forward down this path. I am looking for the clues that say "stop here", "do not enter"and as I go taking one step after another I'm humming the song lyrics "Old enough to know better, but still to young to care". Heaven help me. My search continues.

Is there anything you flip flopping on? An issue that causes indecision? How do you make a decision?

Progress:
Discussion of website functions and possibilities.
Met and discussed writting workshop.


Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all. Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 23

Transition is rarely an easy thing (at least for me). It seems that for most of us it can take years to make the kinds of shifts that create a new living situation. Look at divorce, I'm divorced and it took me I believe 2-3 years before I left and probably knew almost everyday that it was no longer a good place. So perhaps step one is the realization that ones present situation no longer works. I remember I did a variety of activities to help during my "incubation period" The most unproductive thing I did was to get busy doing "stuff" to stay busy and away from what I needed to do. I believe we have spoken of avoidance. Thus enters the bury your head in the sand time. Then there's the fix it stage, I went to support groups both structured and unstructured. I decluttered my home removing all the trash and unwanted, unneeded items (metaphor) and I talked to many people to try to help myself figure out what to do. Perhaps the bee hive steps of fix it, or pretend it'll all be OK because I'm to distracted to notice. is really the presences of fear. (Better the Devil you know). I'm obviously addressing transition because I'm back in the process again. I say all this because I know I have made the realization that I need to make some changes; I knew it two years ago (for heaven sakes it's part of the reason I went back to school). Additionally, I am starting to declutter, travel and feel sick to my stomach with indecision (so get busy so you don't feel) This time I am better prepare - no less scared or uncertain but this time I know some of the signs. Be good to yourself if you are in transition, I am trying to be. I keep an eye and heart open for signs, I am allowing some of the angst to come through so I can use my fear for direction. If I fear I won't have money, look for resources. If I fear losing someone, talk to them and be open to solutions. Transition made easier follow the fear. I wish it could be easier for everyone as I have since how difficult it can be for some, I must remember to let them have their path so as to learn and grow.

Be good to yourself. None of us can see where the road leads, best to enjoy the journey.

Process:
Sent Resume out.
Found another opportunity for a different position

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all. Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 22

I would invite you to read the comments written on the blog. My teacher writes everyday and she is the real deal, gifted, wise and insightful. I would encourage anyone to read her words as they have always supported challenged and guided me. (Her website is listed). My brother writes as he can and I also see him as authentic, a good man, and one of the best people I know. His words are always encouraging, thoughtful and heartfelt.
It was a bit of a rough day today. I let my mind get the better of me. I got worried about the outcome of this process and my plan for next year. I was worried about how I am going to make ends meet and losing my job. ( Not Present. I think we talked about this before)I turned on my computer to get some work done and noticed an old friend emailed me regarding a job opening. I won't take the job but it was nice that the universe/God heard my concern and answered with some reassurance. As I look back on my day I see I got support from several friends as well as my mom, sister and brother. I am reminded today of my roots. So my mind chatter today has given me a chance to see all the support and help I have around me. By the end of this day I feel very fortunate to have family and friends I can speak to that offer encouragement, advise, love and support. Part of my process today has been realizing that next year I will always have people I can count on if I lose my way. A teacher from school says begin where you stand. I stand and begin this journey surrounded by love and support. I am very grateful.

Where do you go when you're worried? Who do you talk to? Notice who's got your back it is some of the most important information you'll ever need.

Process:
Checked into another graduate program.
I checked on Counseling Licensure update: will have answer at the end of the month.

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all. Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 21

Part of this process, putting a plan together, has resulted in a review of my past employment behaviors to find patterns that will lead me to a better understanding of not only my skill sets but of my strengths and weakness. What has come up of late is my frequent inability to stay at jobs for an extended period. I have noticed this lately as my job becomes more and more difficult to perform. I realized this is not the first time I have been less then enchanted with the work I was doing. This process has been due in part to the epiphany that I am not long for this job. I spoke with a woman recently, who said that leaving jobs frequently, where you are on good terms,(which is mostly true for me Until Now,) is a sign of an aspiring entrepreneur; that for a while made me feel better. I have to come to terms with the nature of my discontentment. Now it is important to understand why I feel I can do jobs that, I have to realize by now, I won't be happy with in 8-12 months. Yes, it is obvious that I should be doing something else (duh I get that.) The important question is why do I keep going back to working in places I know I won't last. What need are these jobs filling? Yes, it is money and security. However, I also have not waited out the process so have jumped out of one job before finding the correct spot I want to be next or perhaps I left before my lack of enthusiasm got me into trouble. Perhaps following the impulses and urges in the long run will have been correct. I am going to hang on to the question to see what there is to learn. At this point I believe this is my way of talking me into not leaving this job to soon and to try to stay motivated.

What do you want to do or be? Is there any block or urge you are ignoring?

Process:
Told the family I may not be around for the first three months of 2010
Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all. Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 20

My two nephews this week brought up the fact that I tried and failed for three consecutive years to make the volleyball team while in high school. They, being in high school thought this failure was catastrophic (so did I then). I explained that yes it was painful to fail when I had worked so hard going to camp every summer. Worse yet, was the fact that I had to wait years before I finally realized the blessing in my failure. You see because I failed at volleyball in high school, in college I took the opportunity to try out and play soccer (volleyball and soccer are payed at the same time). Soccer became one of the great loves of my life. Because I played, I later had the opportunity to coach. The coaching experience, working with girls and boys, brought so much fulfillment to my life and hopefully something beneficial to them. None of that would have happened if I had made volleyball. The lessons for me; I have failed in the past and survived. Additionally, I saw that there have been many times when I extended myself, I have succeeded more times then not. This would just be one more time I put myself out there, and if I fail perhaps it will be another wonderful stepping stone. You never know.

What would you try if you knew you couldn't fail? What would you do even if you knew you would fail? You never know.

Progress:
Reaching new understandings of self.

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all. Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 19

I was driving around with me sister today and she said something that struck a chord with me. She said she is always rushing to get things done and she realizes that nothing is ever totally finished, there is always something else that needs to be done. She seemed perplexed at this frenzied cycle. I completely understand this frame of min. I know for myself I am always looking for something (distraction - fill in the blank for yourself) to be done or finished in order to get to the next (distraction - fill in the blank for yourself). For the first time in a long time, (hence this process) I am again coming closer, to consciously knowing that these are just ways to keep myself from facing/choosing what I fear, which is living an authentic life. Now, I'm not sure fear is the correct word, a better way to explain may be, I don't have a concept or construct of what living "authentically" is. I'm just not sure I have an understanding of what my life will look like, or feel like when it is always of my choosing. Perhaps I conjure the word fear because perhaps I am concerned that authentic will not fit the "social norm" (because I'm pretty sure it's not)So in the mean time instead of figuring out what "authentic" is for me I have stayed busy with the next (distraction - fill in the blank for yourself). As you may notice I am attempting to find these "authentic" pieces using this process and being open. Open to new opportunities and open to letting go of that which does not fit.

Take a look around what are you using as a distraction? "I have to...." is a good place to start looking for chains that bind. Real or Imagined?

Progress:
Disclosed more of the plan to the family


Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all. Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 18

Travel day today. I am heading back to St. Louis for a couple of weeks, always good to be with the family. I’m sure like many of us they provide me with my roots; a centering point from which I can look out and see a more clear and realistic picture. As I was traveling home (notice I said home hmmm) I met a young lady from Alaska. She grew up on an island outside of Juneau in a logging camp. We had great conversation I talked to her about the plan and she was engaged and encouraging, as we spoke she made a comment that registered as an important truth for me. She said “sometimes you have to find the balance between the two”, this is a lifelong lesson for me and so very relevant to the “process/plan”. Perhaps coming home is a way of coming back to my core lessons. I wonder what this trip will bring.
Process:
I unloaded more clutter yesterday from my storage, things that don’t fit ( I mean that in a variety of ways). When I return to CA I will be unloading a great deal more. I think.

What grounds you? Where do you go or who do you see that helps you find your center? What comes up for you there?

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all. Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 17 You want answers? We've got questions

First thing this morning a man asked me if I was a writer. Immediately, I thought, I think the universe is asking me a question. I guess if I'm writing then I'm a writer, who's to say.

My boss called me yesterday just to say he thinks I have changed since my trip to Africa. He said I haven't been as "sharp". I rejoiced in that comment as I don't want to be sharp or have sharp edges. Interestingly, I went out tonight with a group of girlfriends and two made similar comments, saying they thought that I had changed since my trip. The girls went on to ask don't I think I have changed. The Universe asking again? I wasn't sure what I thought or felt when they asked which is unusual for me. Another question that I hadn't really thought about . Upon reflection, I think they're right. I realize, I look different as I lost weight because I did a cleanse before I left. My intention was to clear out and clean my body to prepare it to be open to Africa's energy. I wanted to create a new lifestyle, feeding my body and changing my workouts to ones that were less about "no pain no gain" and more about being in tuned, stretching and creating more fluidity. I see that these intentions and choices are creating some internal differences. It is certainly true I am less engaged in my job and more in dialogue with new possibilities. I do know that this blog is a reflection of being in a state of inquiry with the universe and myself. So, I am opening to all the possibilities and attached at this point, to nothing accept change. So I am living in and with questions. Thank God for the questions, we get to challenge old and new beliefs.

Progress Toward the Plan:
Asked the girls to do a writing workshop and to help network, they said yes.
Asked K to help me with a website.
Spoke to friend for references.

If you could make one change in your life today, in order to make it better, what would it be? Live in and with the question.

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all. Thanks
Namaste
K