Part II Day 13

I gave away me bed on Sunday night. (Sounds a little crazy doesn’t it?) I have had my “stuff” in storage for over a year and a half. I gave away most of my kitchen items and some odds and ends. What the stuff is isn’t as important as what it means. I guess up until now I have talked about taking this trip and knowing that there were some changes happening but it feels somehow that even through this process of writing a blog and documenting what internal changes were happening that it has still snuck up on me. What I mean to say is that we make a great deal of progress by taking small actions towards an intention. When taking one step toward it – it takes big steps towards you, and then all of the sudden it’s real.

In letting go of some of my things I was letting go of parts of me I built as my identity and I have to say it made me sad to let go of these things, but I think what I am grieving is the loss of where and who I have been. It seems so odd to put into words and I‘m not sure I can. I have felt that I was not living to my full potential feeling urges to move forward. I am searching for my cause and I am choosing to let go of where I am in order to move forward to find it. Letting go of my stuff is a physical manifestation of that intention. It is a step toward my intention. My intention is to find what I am most passionate about, and then to live from that place.


What would you do today if money and time were no issue?


Please say a prayer or hold a thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Namaste
K

Part II Day 7

There is much I could say this evening. Lessons coming from a class I am taking, friends with major transition opportunities, plans and fears around extended travels, and grief over letting go of stuff that I have been holding. I find that during my own indecision and uncertainty I found a quote that provides hope in the fact that all will turn out when we are true to ourselves. It is difficult to be honest with yourself especially when it comes to living life on your own terms, but never is honesty more important or difficult then when you point your attention inward, (but oh the rewards)
"I learned this, at least, by experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours...
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundation under them."
-Henry David Thoreau


Please say a prayer or hold a thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Namaste
K

Pat II Day 6

Time heals all wounds but sometimes we don't want the wounds to heal for we fear if we get over the pain we will forget. I wrote that roughly 29 years ago. Today is my sister's birthday. She would have been 48 today, instead she died at the tender age of 19. I can see her in my minds eye as she stays frozen in her youth. She came to me in my dreams so often after her death, still it took me years to understand what she was telling me. I have rarely had her visit since I understood her message. Her death and visits have been a tremendous force behind why I search for meaning and how I lean toward deep relationships. I have witnessed great pain at an early age and it is an intense teacher.
Chris kept a journal of favorite writings, another influence for me, but the writings are eerie in the messages she left behind. She loved life, she loved us, she was a beautiful person both inside and out. She had a bad temper and a quickness about her. It is such a shame just as she was beginning her own life it ended. One of her journal entries was "better to have lived well then long."
I am grateful to have had her as a sister, for even though I only had her for 15 years she still impacts my life today. Happy Birthday Chris. We love and miss you.

Tell someone today how much they mean to you. LIVE WELL! LOVE OFTEN! EMBRACE LIFE!

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K

Part II Day 5

I got my letter back today from the Missouri Board Of Counselors. I sent my transcripts in to see if I could be licensed in MO. They sent me back a letter that said I didn't get my MA in the correct major so they didn't review my transcripts. For those of you who know me, you know I don't take rejections well. I just started a class called "Success Built to Last" in the first class of the course, the question was raised "what is success?" Of course just as I am asking myself this question and understanding that it is up to me to decide if I am successful, along comes a letter telling me that has far as educating myself to enter a new field is concerned the Board of Counselors in MO told me I was a failure. I went to school to gain credibility to legitimize my beliefs and process so people would know I could help them sort through their inner and outer world. It appears if I chose to follow the "normal" ways of counseling at this point I have failed. I was hurt by the rejection letter, mostly because it felt dismissive (which is another button for me). As my day progressed I got angry(I'm good at angry). I put two and a half years into an education that is not much good (my thoughts). I got mad at JFK (my school) and at myself for not looking far enough ahead to see what the requirements were. As I calmed down from my over active insecurities I remembered that I went to school their, because it was not the "normal" education and I was looking for a different programed where I could learn more about reclaiming my soul.
I forgot that my concerns were we concentrated on the mind, or just the emotions and that all of these emotions, thoughts, life occurrences are just the way our soul, this to often unconscious essences, is using to try to be heard. I will call and clarify what else I need to learn, as I choose to make sure whoever I am working with is safe and in the capable hands of a professional who can protect their legal rights and offer the best resources to best assist them. However, I do know that I have helped people reach a better understanding of themselves because I listened to their soul and hopefully gave them tools to listen as well. I don't know if I think I am a success for there is more I wish to do, but I do know I am not a failure, as usual I am listening with my heart and doing it my way and trust me when I say that is not easy.

What is Success to you? Are you successful? What are you Passionate about? Where does that passion spring from?

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K

Part II Day 3

I sat at my little restaurant the other day (funny how no matter where you are a lesson can find you). A young African American man sat down at the corner of the counter a few seats away. He was dressed very nice and of course I had to speak with him. I said, "I might be showing my age, but you look to young to be a businessmen, he said he had to go to traffic court. We started talking more; he mentioned he was going to night school. He is a minister that works as a bank teller while attending classes. I am always a bit envious when someone so young is so sure of their path. He told me he started preaching at 8, that God called him. I was speechless so many thoughts ran through my mind. Mostly it was his charming yet shy conviction when he said it-he provoked such a quiet strength. I watched as he shuck hands and spoke to others in the diner that he knew. I was proud of him; you could see his spirit emanate from him. I asked how he came to be a minister; did his Pastor recognize him and initiate him? He said yes, but that he knew and acted from that knowledge it was almost that he declared himself but it was almost an afterthought because he knew who and what he was.
My lessons from this sweet natured young man outside of role modeling is, being open to your calling, acting from your heart with this understanding, and then following the path laid out from your beliefs. He said, "It can't be wrong if it comes from your heart."
My teacher tells me I will be a teacher when I claim it. I was grateful to meet an example of such a young person claiming it, especially around a spiritual calling.

What calls you that you have left unclaimed? Can you see any role models around you? Embrace what is in your heart

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K

Part II Day 1

And so we begin again. This is Day 1 of Part two. What does that mean, you ask? Not sure yet. I'm moving forward and so will work thru putting a plan together. I will be calling the lady in charge of the trip to India and making flight reservations for Thailand. I am also starting a class called "Success Built to Last" ( sounds so gimmicky- No Laughing! - You gotta try everything once) More to come.
I took a long weekend with friends - good friends - the kind that last a lifetime. The long weekend I took was to my family farm. The farm (no longer a working farm) has been in the family since the 1870's. While there we did a burial ritual (a suggestion from my Teacher- thanks P) . Rituals for me are used to express an intention a way to say to your higher power and to yourself this is my desire, a way of both opening and closing a door for progress in that direction. I believe we are in a time of transition, in our country, in the world and most significantly to ourselves. My way of dealing with transition and marking important stages is ritual. In this one we buried items that represent something we want to let go of. We then buried something we wanted to see grow. It is always interesting for me to see if the ritual marks the beginning or end of a process. Sharing this , was moving.
Today in this moment I feel so lucky. I had a great and blessed trip to St. Louis and really feel like I am moving forward in a positive direction. There was a brief piece on the news tonight that said psychologist were suggesting young people should be encouraged towards more self discovery. I believe that with all the turmoil in the world we are all being asked to explore what is true happiness and self-fulfillment. That is certainly what I am looking to understand within myself but also seek to understand in others.

What would you bury to represent something to grieve and are willing and ready to let go of? What seeds of intentions would you plant to see grow?

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K

Day 30

My last day (part one) I met with Dharmakeerti - the keeper of the dharma/teachings and I felt lucky to have the chance. She listened explained, granted permission, advised and most importantly encouraged me to trust and listen to, myself. The funny thing is, she just flew into town yesterday and I happen to be able to meet with her. It just worked out that it was the last day of this process.
I am including in my entry today a piece I wrote to myself as an exercise during a preparatory writing workshop for Africa. I am publishing it now because it is a fitting ending for part one of this process and the beginning of step 2. It is difficult to publish this piece because I fear it will be taken the wrong way.
This is a goodbye letter and I guess the first interesting part for me is that it is with great difficulty that I write a good bye letter. I have always since the death of both S and C been afraid to write such a letter fearing my physical death. It is a wonder to me in some ways that I would hold this fear because I truly feel I have died hundreds of times in this lifetime already.
Having said that, this prep time before Malawi has been about me cleansing purging the old decayed internal parts and I have found this does not just mean the waste from my body.
So I will say goodbye and die again.
Goodbye O, you were the first love of my life and I loved you in only the way a young girl can. I was 20 and thought you hung the moon. Goodbye to that young woman who stood on the alter, in sacred ritual. I mourn the death of that young woman with love in her eyes and hopes and dreams in her heart.
Goodbye to the tough drinking and smoking Karen who built walls and blocked pain trying to be what she thought she should be as oppose to being who she is. I love her. She was fun and funny, profane but no less loving- I admired her toughness but she never really had the thick skin for it. I feel the pain she felt at not liking her own actions.
I say goodbye to family obligations. Don’t get me wrong to all of those of you in my family. I am saying goodbye and cut the chains of straddling two worlds never truly letting go. That is my fault I blame no one. I just never could figure what I was supposed to do and what I realize now is that what I want to do gets walled up in what I am suppose to do. So the picture in my head is of myself clinging desperately to your outstretched hands when you have never gripped on to me but the other way around.
Good bye J
I love you – I say good bye to the part of me that clings to you. I finally picked a good and decent man and I don’t know how to be in relationship. Not sure what to ask for or how to get it and that leaves us incomplete.
Good bye to pain and guilt, and good bye to running not unlike Forest Gump I have run so long with my head down I have no idea where I am. Where am I? Good bye to that question.
Good bye to Homeline.
I’m looking for better pay and more fulfillment. Take the needle out of your own eye because with the one in mine I can’t see yours.
Good bye Bay area
You are beautiful but like a sexy man who cheats you are not worth the price I have to pay.
My eyes are forward and I have dropped off my back pack it was just too heavy - I see an opening and I am preceding forward .
So it is on to step two making the dream/my plan come true. It is off to Thailand and India.

What's your Dream?

Progress:
Made an appt. for an advisor

Please say a prayer or hold a positive thought for your greatest good and the greatest good of all.
Thanks
Namaste
K